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Pimp my Myspace~

Journal Entry: Mon Jul 2, 2007, 3:54 PM


[Edit2:]

Caved in and got myself a Myspace. :P Add me and I might even think about changing that hideous layout! :3

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[Edit:]

Kay, so. CAPTIVITY is the single worst movie ever. I mean, seriously. I know I say this about every film I see, but I'm fairly certain this is the worst film that has ever been committed to, uh, film in the history of cinema. TRUE STORY. >:/

I will now spoil the entire thing in the hopes that nobody will ever watch it, save possibly in a few years time when it appears on late-night TV, and even then, I'm talking worst case scenario here.  Due to some controversy with the rating, it's not actually out in the US yet. COUNT YOURSELVES LUCKY etc etc.

OKAY SO there's this model, or this girl who is apparently a model, she sure as hell doesn't look like one to me. I have no idea what her name is. It's not exactly important, seeing as she has no backstory whatsoever and the film begins with her being kidnapped from a club, where she's sitting alone with her token cute model dog and no entourage / security guards whatsoever, after walking alone down a dark street in order to get there. YEAH RIGHT.

Anyway, skip ahead to the gratuitous gore. I mean, I know, this is one of those torture flicks - the film's synopsis is basically a ripoff of Saw. But much worse. MUCH worse. Even Hostel was better than this, and that was fairly awful. Paradise Lost (or Turistas, as it's called in America, methinks), despite being a DVD-movie (that they released in the cinema over here, because making up profits from europe is FUN), was infintely better. BUT ANYWAY. So like, there's a girl getting sprayed with acid for no apparent reason, and our model girl is somehow able to drink blended body-parts without  projectile vomiting / choking to death, and doesn't seem particularly bothered by it afterwards. She's chucked into a cell and whines for a bit. Very dull.

Long story short (lawl, like anyone's reading this XD) there's another guy locked up with her. Behind a wall. They scrawl messages to one another. She falls for him instantly. He saves her from some kinda sand trap thing, and has a tooth pulled out for her. They have sex in their cell, which has a rather comfortable double bed. Because that's totally what you'd do if you'd just been tortured for several days. Mmhmm.

Hot guy turns out to be one of the bad guys. He and his brother, who, once out of his torture disguise, is a rather jovial fat guy (think Santa), capture girls, torture them and sleep with them before murdering them, capturing everything on camera and in scrapbooks. Well, the relatively hot guy does, anyway. Said brother is more of a creepy voyeur. ANYWAY. Hot guy apparently likes this girl more than the others for whatever reason, and promptly stabs his brother in the middle of a conversation, before releasing the girl from her cell.

AFTER releasing her, he decides to get rid of the incriminating videotapes. AFTER releasing her into his house, full of said videotapes and journals and CCTV showing the torture chamber. OH AND I forgot to mention, before this happens, the cops call round to find hot guy alone in the house, after murdering his brother and chucking him in a bathtub. Long story short, cops ask one question and decide to leave, but not before catching the end of the big game on tv. One of them changes the channel, and voila - CCTV footage of the girl in the torture chamber. You couldn't write this stuff. OH WAIT YOU COULD. Hot guy promptly shoots both cops.

So we're nearly at the end. Model girl is loose in the house, while hot guy is in the torture chamber, gathering up the evidence. One of the cops, who is not quite dead, surprises the girl in the corridor. She kills him with a baseball bat, which is randomly there. Fat brother, who is also not dead, also attacks her. She kills him with the knife he's forgotten to take out of his chest. Don't you hate it when that happens?

She then finds the scrapbooks, and realises hot dude is in on the whole thing, at which point he appears behind her, and tells her 'she's his'. She plays along for a second, the amazing actress she is, before spraying him in the face with cleaning fluid and running off, LOCKING HERSELF IN THE TORTURE CHAMBER. Hot guy follows. Model finds shotgun randomly on the floor, and attempts to shoot him. It doesn't go off. He takes it from her. 'You have to cock it first'. She's on the bed, he's got a shotgun pointed at her face... and she kicks him in the crotch. Because that totally wouldn't make you involuntarily squeeze any triggers or anything. He falls to the ground, she somehow grabs gun, and with her newfound knowledge, shoots him in the crotch. He gets up. She shoots him in the chest. He gets up again. I hadn't realised he was a zombie. She shoots him again, he finally dies, and she wanders outside, finally free, after somehow killing every inhabitant of the house. THE END.

NOW, WOULD YOU WATCH THAT?

---

*quick journal entry, since it's SO late and I want to bump that pokéjournal off my userpage. Plus, I haven't finished this CSS yet, and it's still ugly. Ick*

The Phantom Hourglass ROM is out! It's fairly awesome. :heart: Even if I can barely understand what the hell is going on. It's insanely cute, at any rate, and the puzzles so far have been generally figure-outtable with my bare-bones knowledge of Japanese and an online dictionary. :3 Plus, if you click on the kanji, the game gives you furigana! *prayers are answered*

Controls'll prolly take some getting used to, though. >_> I've just been tapping the screen wildly with the stylus attempting to hit stuff, and it's been working okay so far, but... yeah. >_> *misses the ole' d-pad*

SO CUTE THOUGH :heart:









Make your own!







*actually edits this for the first time in several months*

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Add a Comment:
 
:iconfuzzbuzz:
fuzzbuzz Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2007  Professional Digital Artist
Lol, i think this is the movie my bf was telling me about.

Doesn't she barracade a door -that opens outwards- even though he coulda still opened it, yet he still tries to break down the door anyways!? :O

Unless thats some other terrible torture movie...
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2007   Digital Artist
Haha - oh god, yes. >_< I'd forgotten about that! *horrible memories come flooding back* >:3
Reply
:iconarandomdreamer:
ARandomDreamer Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2007
Yes. I would watch this because I love comedies.
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2007   Digital Artist
Hahaha - please, please don't. I couldn't live with myself if I actually encouraged someone to watch this tripe. :O
Reply
:iconjandruff:
Jandruff Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2007
This... this was the best movie review for a bad movie I have ever read. I've seen the trailer at the movies (I was to watch 1408) and thought that even the mere concept that it would be shown to the public was ridiculous.
If you want to watch a good horror (well, more like ghost story) watch 1408. I still hesitate to turn off the lights.
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2007   Digital Artist
Haha, well thanks! :3 See, we weren't lucky enough to actually see the trailer (and to be honest, I'm sure we'd have ended up watching it anyway - we're drawn to terrible movies, apparently -_- ) - we saw a few ads on the sides of buses, but no actual footage. >_<

I really wanna see 1408, actually! It's not out here yet, but I'm sure I'll end up watching it when it finally comes out. :P *has had enough of gore and scantily-clad women* >_>
Reply
:iconfaroresama:
faroresama Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2007
I was never going to watch that movie, but now thanks to you, I will work even harder not to watch that movie.

Plot cliches+pointless goriness....two things I hate most in movies.
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2007   Digital Artist
Hahaha - I'm glad I could help!

I absolutely detest plot cliches too, though for some reason I can never see them coming... >_>
Reply
:iconfaroresama:
faroresama Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2007
If i see one coming and it's an especially bad one I think "Oh god if this happens I swear I'm going to shoot someone" XD
Reply
:iconsakura-star:
Sakura-Star Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2007
Thank you for saving an hour and something-minutes of my life. I was planning to go to the movies this Friday...I guess I check out something else. XXD

I loved the first Saw...II and III were, eh, okay.
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2007   Digital Artist
Haha - no problem! Annoyingly, there isn't much else out - not over here, anyway. We're getting Shrek this friday. 'Bout bloody time. And apparently it's crap, so I'm not holding my breath. >_>

I gotta admit, I only actually saw Saw III, and only because my friend wanted to. It was okay, though kinda hard to follow since I hadn't seen the first two, and didn't have a clue what was going on. :3 I'm told the first one's much better, though. XD
Reply
:iconnegativezerro:
negativezerro Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2007  Student General Artist
That sounds worse than Disturbia. And that's pretty bad; only fifteen minutes of the entire film is what made the previews. everything else was bikinis and half-naked chicks.

It's nice to have various people to review movies so I'll never have to watch them. D:

I... feel bad for you for having to watch that.
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2007   Digital Artist
Gah, Devart killed the comment I had here. >_> *grumbles*

I haven't heard of disturbia, but I'll be sure to avoid it once it comes out here, tbh. :D And the bikini-clad girls in these movies are really beginning to annoy me - it's bad enough in Paradise Lost, where the characters had their reasons for running around in them throughout the movie (they were at a beach) but where it was still hard to take the horror seriously with the female characters in bikinis the whole time, let alone in films like Hostel where the first half is just softcore porn that has nothing at all to do with the rest of the movie! *rants*

...I think I'll get over Captivity someday. With enough counselling. >;3
Reply
:iconnegativezerro:
negativezerro Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2007  Student General Artist
Disturbia sucks badddd. XD Like, the previews made it look decent, and I went to watch it... and I spent even more for going after 6. >:

It had stupid things, like this chick's room was like... nothing but glass, and she'd get dressed like... in the middle in this slow-motion action. >w> And never seemed to noticed the teenage boy like.. RIGHT OUTSIDE her window.
Reply
:iconboinsie:
boinsie Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2007  Hobbyist Digital Artist
... crimeney. And I thought Spiderman 3 was bad. oO;;
I can't stand these recent torture flicks. They just try to get around good writing with shock and gore. Shouldn't we feel bad watching people being totured? It's just a cheap ploy. --;;
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2007   Digital Artist
Ahahaha. I ranted about that 'un too. XD But Spiderman 3, bad as it was, was in a totally different league to this. *gouges out eyes*

Pretty much all of these 'torture porn' films are pretty terrible. I don't have a problem with films like Saw, where you generally feel for the victim and are genuinely worried about what's going to happen to them, but Hostel and Captivity are basically for torture fetishists. >_< *shudders* NEVER AGAIN!
Reply
:iconthezidane:
thezidane Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2007  Professional General Artist
Thanksuuu for saving me 2 hours of my life. I've been subject to so much shit on a stick in the form of horror movies these days it makes me feel like vomiting. JUST. SO. TERRIBLE!!!

So what's the moral of the story, if you're a dumb ass Paris Hilton clone, luck wil get you out of the most horrible situations, even the horrors of your own stupidity?

Man, I bet that'll put a lot of hearts to rest of trophy girlfriends attached to the bomber jackets of thier host frat boys. Best feel good movie this summer!

She locked herself back in the cell.... o_O"
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2007   Digital Artist
Haha, no problem! I'm gonna make it my job to ensure NOBODY sees this movie. EVER. >: (

And god, yes, the sheer luck of this girl is astounding. She kills EVERYBODY. Well, except one of the cops. BUT STILL. I didn't think I'd see a move worse than Hostel this year, but this really takes the cake. >_>

(and not only does she lock herself in the cell, which the guy gets into in about five seconds, but somehow this is the only way back outside the house, despite being underground with the rest of the house completely locked-down? The mind boggles :O )
Reply
:iconthezidane:
thezidane Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2007  Professional General Artist
Mind boogles, or directors brains in zombie like state? Can't tell at the momment ^o^"

Hostel was pretty gosh darned horrible, It's just one of those movies that you watch with all your friends if you want a gross out. Even worse than hostel in my opinion was some movie called Restroom or sumthing, it's basically the same as this apart from it involves crazy ass southerners (man that's original) terrorising some chick holed up in a higway restroom. Shitty film ensues.
Reply
:iconnegativezerro:
negativezerro Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2007  Student General Artist
Bah, I'm going to have to wait until December... >w>

But oh my goddess, I want to play it so badly, so badly.... dskjsdkl;jsd Lucky. XD
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2007   Digital Artist
Awww! I'll probably have to wait til then to play it properly, tbh - I like to kid myself that I can understand japanese but it still takes me 10 minutes to read every text box. >_>

On the up side, though, figuring out even the most basic puzzles in japanese gives you a pretty good sense of achievement. :D *pulls switches in order* :3
Reply
:iconnegativezerro:
negativezerro Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2007  Student General Artist
Oh, how's the ability to write on the map? 8D It seems like an ingenious idea~
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2007   Digital Artist
It's pretty useful, actually! Though the map itself is tiny, so I end up writing all over everything important. It's a nice little feature, though!

You also draw on the map to steer the ship, which is great. Beats using the windwaker fifty times just to turn around, at least. >_>
Reply
:iconnegativezerro:
negativezerro Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2007  Student General Artist
...I hated doing that. xD I played WW again last night, and I was just... sailing. And I still had three squares to my destination... ;w;

But that's nice, finally some stylus loving on the DS...
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2007   Digital Artist
Ah, WW. I remember passing the time by rotating the camera wildly and making the little boat hop up and down. >:3

Fun times! >_>
Reply
:iconnegativezerro:
negativezerro Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2007  Student General Artist
kdsjfs that's what I do XDD and then get angry when sharks attack me. D:
Reply
:icontaurusj:
TaurusJ Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2007
You can play DS roms?
Do you load it on these card readers or do you have a emulator that's actually working for a change?

And phantom hourglass...
Can't wait for it :heart:
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2007   Digital Artist
I personally have a ds flashcart ( [link] ), which is well worth the money tbh, though apparently there are actually semi-decent DS emulators around nowadays. :3 I wouldn't know which ones, though! The flashcart is so easy to use, though. You have this little microSD card that slots into the top and you basically just drag and drop stuff onto it - the games run exactly like the originals, too, right down to the little box with the image you click to run each game. It's immense! :3
Reply
:icontaurusj:
TaurusJ Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2007
O.O
woah, maybe worth some consideration...
Especially for game I just know they aren't worth the 40 €, but I want to play nonetheless >.>
T_T
Let's see what my wallet says next month, because this one, it's pretty hollow T_T
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2007   Digital Artist
Aww. :3 Well there are plenty of sites cheaper than that one (apparently there's one called dealxtreme or something, I've never used it) - they take much longer to deliver, but you could get one for about £30 (€40? I'm not sure :3), though you'd have to buy a decent microSD to go with it...

Worth considering, though! *huggles hers* XD
Reply
:icontaurusj:
TaurusJ Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2007
Well, since I'm going on a trip to the US which dry sucked my wallet almost completely (I'm going to rob a Gamestop X3) I guess the thingy has to wait for another month or so, because I'll start my summer job then, which will make me a rich bitch >.<
And 40€ is about right, I always take the pounds (where the hell is the sign for that on the keyboard @_@) and multiplicate it with 1.5
Hmm, I'll put it on my wishlist... ^^
Reply
:iconfaroresama:
faroresama Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2007
ok for god's sake someone tell me the DEADLINE to that zelda contest! I can't find it!

Also I can't waaait for phantom hourglass!
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2007   Digital Artist
Hahaha! The deadline isn't until like sometime in october, so you've got nothing to worry about tbh. :D *couldn't find it either*

Phantom hourglass is quite awesome so far. And the intro movie is so adorable! XD *wonders when it'll ever come out over here*
Reply
:iconfaroresama:
faroresama Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2007
ahh, awesome. I really want to do that contest.
Reply
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