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July 2, 2007
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Pimp my Myspace~

Journal Entry: Mon Jul 2, 2007, 3:54 PM


[Edit2:]

Caved in and got myself a Myspace. :P Add me and I might even think about changing that hideous layout! :3

---

[Edit:]

Kay, so. CAPTIVITY is the single worst movie ever. I mean, seriously. I know I say this about every film I see, but I'm fairly certain this is the worst film that has ever been committed to, uh, film in the history of cinema. TRUE STORY. >:/

I will now spoil the entire thing in the hopes that nobody will ever watch it, save possibly in a few years time when it appears on late-night TV, and even then, I'm talking worst case scenario here.  Due to some controversy with the rating, it's not actually out in the US yet. COUNT YOURSELVES LUCKY etc etc.

OKAY SO there's this model, or this girl who is apparently a model, she sure as hell doesn't look like one to me. I have no idea what her name is. It's not exactly important, seeing as she has no backstory whatsoever and the film begins with her being kidnapped from a club, where she's sitting alone with her token cute model dog and no entourage / security guards whatsoever, after walking alone down a dark street in order to get there. YEAH RIGHT.

Anyway, skip ahead to the gratuitous gore. I mean, I know, this is one of those torture flicks - the film's synopsis is basically a ripoff of Saw. But much worse. MUCH worse. Even Hostel was better than this, and that was fairly awful. Paradise Lost (or Turistas, as it's called in America, methinks), despite being a DVD-movie (that they released in the cinema over here, because making up profits from europe is FUN), was infintely better. BUT ANYWAY. So like, there's a girl getting sprayed with acid for no apparent reason, and our model girl is somehow able to drink blended body-parts without  projectile vomiting / choking to death, and doesn't seem particularly bothered by it afterwards. She's chucked into a cell and whines for a bit. Very dull.

Long story short (lawl, like anyone's reading this XD) there's another guy locked up with her. Behind a wall. They scrawl messages to one another. She falls for him instantly. He saves her from some kinda sand trap thing, and has a tooth pulled out for her. They have sex in their cell, which has a rather comfortable double bed. Because that's totally what you'd do if you'd just been tortured for several days. Mmhmm.

Hot guy turns out to be one of the bad guys. He and his brother, who, once out of his torture disguise, is a rather jovial fat guy (think Santa), capture girls, torture them and sleep with them before murdering them, capturing everything on camera and in scrapbooks. Well, the relatively hot guy does, anyway. Said brother is more of a creepy voyeur. ANYWAY. Hot guy apparently likes this girl more than the others for whatever reason, and promptly stabs his brother in the middle of a conversation, before releasing the girl from her cell.

AFTER releasing her, he decides to get rid of the incriminating videotapes. AFTER releasing her into his house, full of said videotapes and journals and CCTV showing the torture chamber. OH AND I forgot to mention, before this happens, the cops call round to find hot guy alone in the house, after murdering his brother and chucking him in a bathtub. Long story short, cops ask one question and decide to leave, but not before catching the end of the big game on tv. One of them changes the channel, and voila - CCTV footage of the girl in the torture chamber. You couldn't write this stuff. OH WAIT YOU COULD. Hot guy promptly shoots both cops.

So we're nearly at the end. Model girl is loose in the house, while hot guy is in the torture chamber, gathering up the evidence. One of the cops, who is not quite dead, surprises the girl in the corridor. She kills him with a baseball bat, which is randomly there. Fat brother, who is also not dead, also attacks her. She kills him with the knife he's forgotten to take out of his chest. Don't you hate it when that happens?

She then finds the scrapbooks, and realises hot dude is in on the whole thing, at which point he appears behind her, and tells her 'she's his'. She plays along for a second, the amazing actress she is, before spraying him in the face with cleaning fluid and running off, LOCKING HERSELF IN THE TORTURE CHAMBER. Hot guy follows. Model finds shotgun randomly on the floor, and attempts to shoot him. It doesn't go off. He takes it from her. 'You have to cock it first'. She's on the bed, he's got a shotgun pointed at her face... and she kicks him in the crotch. Because that totally wouldn't make you involuntarily squeeze any triggers or anything. He falls to the ground, she somehow grabs gun, and with her newfound knowledge, shoots him in the crotch. He gets up. She shoots him in the chest. He gets up again. I hadn't realised he was a zombie. She shoots him again, he finally dies, and she wanders outside, finally free, after somehow killing every inhabitant of the house. THE END.

NOW, WOULD YOU WATCH THAT?

---

*quick journal entry, since it's SO late and I want to bump that pokéjournal off my userpage. Plus, I haven't finished this CSS yet, and it's still ugly. Ick*

The Phantom Hourglass ROM is out! It's fairly awesome. :heart: Even if I can barely understand what the hell is going on. It's insanely cute, at any rate, and the puzzles so far have been generally figure-outtable with my bare-bones knowledge of Japanese and an online dictionary. :3 Plus, if you click on the kanji, the game gives you furigana! *prayers are answered*

Controls'll prolly take some getting used to, though. >_> I've just been tapping the screen wildly with the stylus attempting to hit stuff, and it's been working okay so far, but... yeah. >_> *misses the ole' d-pad*

SO CUTE THOUGH :heart:









Make your own!







*actually edits this for the first time in several months*

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Add a Comment:
 
:iconfuzzbuzz:
fuzzbuzz Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2007  Professional Digital Artist
Lol, i think this is the movie my bf was telling me about.

Doesn't she barracade a door -that opens outwards- even though he coulda still opened it, yet he still tries to break down the door anyways!? :O

Unless thats some other terrible torture movie...
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2007   Digital Artist
Haha - oh god, yes. >_< I'd forgotten about that! *horrible memories come flooding back* >:3
Reply
:iconarandomdreamer:
ARandomDreamer Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2007
Yes. I would watch this because I love comedies.
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2007   Digital Artist
Hahaha - please, please don't. I couldn't live with myself if I actually encouraged someone to watch this tripe. :O
Reply
:iconjandruff:
Jandruff Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2007
This... this was the best movie review for a bad movie I have ever read. I've seen the trailer at the movies (I was to watch 1408) and thought that even the mere concept that it would be shown to the public was ridiculous.
If you want to watch a good horror (well, more like ghost story) watch 1408. I still hesitate to turn off the lights.
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2007   Digital Artist
Haha, well thanks! :3 See, we weren't lucky enough to actually see the trailer (and to be honest, I'm sure we'd have ended up watching it anyway - we're drawn to terrible movies, apparently -_- ) - we saw a few ads on the sides of buses, but no actual footage. >_<

I really wanna see 1408, actually! It's not out here yet, but I'm sure I'll end up watching it when it finally comes out. :P *has had enough of gore and scantily-clad women* >_>
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:iconfaroresama:
faroresama Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2007
I was never going to watch that movie, but now thanks to you, I will work even harder not to watch that movie.

Plot cliches+pointless goriness....two things I hate most in movies.
Reply
:iconchensterrain:
chensterrain Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2007   Digital Artist
Hahaha - I'm glad I could help!

I absolutely detest plot cliches too, though for some reason I can never see them coming... >_>
Reply
:iconfaroresama:
faroresama Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2007
If i see one coming and it's an especially bad one I think "Oh god if this happens I swear I'm going to shoot someone" XD
Reply
:iconsakura-star:
Sakura-Star Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2007
Thank you for saving an hour and something-minutes of my life. I was planning to go to the movies this Friday...I guess I check out something else. XXD

I loved the first Saw...II and III were, eh, okay.
Reply
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